Caring for the Caregiver through Self-Compassion
“Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting those around you.”
As a kid, I found this line repeated on airplane flights strange. Really? Shouldn’t adults want to ensure that kids are safe first and foremost?
What I didn’t realize then was that this directive doesn’t prioritize the lives of those who are capable of saving themselves—it just means that you have to be able to breathe to have the strength to help those around you.
Self-Care
These days, we often hear this phrase in parenting advice columns and books. It is meant to emphasize how important it is for us as parents to take care of ourselves in order to be at our best for our children. Yet we may be wondering, what does this mean in practice? How do I know if I’ve “put on my oxygen mask?” How much self-care do I need to engage in for it to be enough? And how much is too much?
Over the last ten years or so—after experiencing some burnout myself—I started to prioritize taking care of myself, whether it be yoga, going for a walk, or playing music. Finding the time and space I need to care for myself requires setting some pretty firm boundaries. I’m fortunate to be able to make it a priority on most days, but it doesn’t always happen. We just don’t always have the time or luxury to engage in self-care.
Moreover, sometimes, the pressure or expectation that we should take care of ourselves can feel like yet another burden. How do we carve out this time if we are working, taking care of little ones or elders, and have many responsibilities on our shoulders?
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Care
I have found the practice of self-compassion to be particularly helpful in navigating challenging situations. Self-compassion sounds similar to self-care, but it is somewhat different in practice. While self-care emphasizes practices or services that can be time-consuming or costly, self-compassion is about how we approach ourselves in difficult times. Do we talk to ourselves the way a caring, compassionate friend may address us, or do we engage in a lot of self-critical talk?
According to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, “Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We’re kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate.”
Self-compassion involves three main elements: self-kindness (or treating ourselves with kindness, rather than harshness), common humanity (recognizing that everyone goes through difficulties), and mindfulness (being aware of painful situations or feelings, and allowing them to be as they are).
“Soften, Soothe, and Allow”
One of the self-compassion practices that I find most helpful, and that I practice myself and use with clients, is called “Soften, Soothe, and Allow.”
- Soften: In the full practice, we bring a somewhat challenging situation to mind that is bothering us, we recognize where we are feeling it in our body, and “Soften” into this place, without trying to change it.
- Soothe: We “Soothe” ourselves by placing a hand gently on our heart or abdomen (or anywhere that feels supportive) and practice saying soothing words such as, “I’m going through a hard time right now. Everyone goes through difficulties.” It may also be helpful to address ourselves like a friend would, saying something like, “I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. It’s really hard right now.”
- Allow: For the third step of “Allow,” we make room for whatever is present, without trying to change it. We may say something to ourselves like, “It’s okay to feel this way right now.” Instead of fighting with ourselves or against a situation, we bring compassion and ease.
We don’t have to engage in the complete process to reap the benefits of self-compassion—just placing a hand on our hearts or pausing momentarily to recognize the challenges we face can help us cope more effectively. We practice being on our own side.
Self-compassion practice also dovetails well with the Buddhist psychological concept of “two arrows.” While pain is inevitable in life, we can have some control over our amount of suffering, which often comes in the form of self-criticism or resentment. So, instead of beating ourselves up over a negative feeling or situation, and saying things like, “Why me?” or “I shouldn’t feel this way,” we engage in treating ourselves kindly. We can reach for our own mask and hopefully breathe a little easier.
