Healing Isn’t Linear: Learning From Old Patterns Together

This post is written from the perspective of a young person who participated in CHYP.

As we’ve all come to learn, the entire family is impacted when a youth has a chronic health condition(s). From confusion to answers and healing, the parent/caregiver(s) and their child are repeatedly asked to readjust to different challenges together. This post highlights what any family member can do when “old patterns”—or ingrained neural pathways—impact what we view as progress in the healing process. 

What can “old” neural pathways look like?

I’ll begin with a personal example: I am 22, living independently, and studying in the field of chronic health conditions. I’m a dog mom and part of a caring community. I even solo-traveled in Europe a few months ago! I’ve been doing well, but I’ve also been spread thin lately. Even more, this month I busted my knee in a dance class, tearing my ACL and meniscus, and fracturing my leg.

Since then, I’ve been out of my regular activities, overwhelmed, needing support, and having doctor visits for the upcoming surgery. My nervous system has been feeling that this is all too familiar, and it has been in a threat response to life circumstances that mimic my onset of chronic pain/illness. Now, although I understand how my life today is different, my nervous system does not—this is when I backslide into old patterns.

I’ve been taking care of myself with practiced skills and professional support, and my parents are involved in my care during this unexpected healing process. Now we each enter our own old patterns. It’s been a challenge for all of us in different ways, and I share this knowing there will (and likely have already been) moments for you and your child that feel similar to the painful past. The neural pathways that were once active during a time of distress re-activate under stressful and reminiscent circumstances. This response triggers old memories, behaviors, and thoughts, and its level of intensity can vary from person to person and moment to moment. What remains essential is finding healthy ways to support the mind and body in feeling safe and regulated. This enables the nervous system to break free from old patterns and adopt healthier coping mechanisms.

Ways to Switch Gears

Here are some ideas for supportive approaches that you may lean on during these times. They may apply to you, and/or you may wish to support your child with them:

1. Acknowledge the similarity to the past while highlighting areas of mental/emotional growth. This honors the hardships of a serious history while also promoting current resilience through the identification of inner strengths and healthy coping skills. 
2. Get curious about the old neuropathways. We cannot control the storms of life, but we can decide to respond to them with an open mind. When we become curious about what is showing up in ourselves and our lives, we send safety messages to the nervous system that allow this old pattern to loosen. 
3. Remember: what you resist, persists. Remember that pushing away or not acknowledging old patterns creates inner conflict that increases stress, and the old pathways will continue to “run the show.” The antidote for this is to allow for the often uncomfortable process of healing to take its course, without chasing the desired outcome or progress.
4. Recognize that feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and experiences that resemble the past do not mean progress is lost. In fact, facing challenges is a sign that progress has been made. Once a brain learns new and healthy ways of coping, those neural pathways cannot be unwired; past progress cannot be undone.
5. Practice tried-and-true self-care. If you’re unsure about what can help the most, return to the practices that always help, even if they feel challenging—examples include reaching out to loved ones for support, spending time in nature, and taking deep breaths.

After the years and layers of my personal healing journey, I want to remind parents that there is a way through any obstacle. While self-care may sound like a tall order at times, it’s important to remember that old patterns go both ways in a parent/child dynamic. I appreciate it when my parents take care of themselves—and your child does, or will, too.

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