Evidence-Based Parenting Tools for Raising Resilient and Emotionally Healthy Teens
Last week, on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, the Rabbi invited all parents who would like to work on their relationship with their children to come up and join him. I walked up to the front of the sanctuary with almost every other parent of a teenager in the room. Even though we may face many of the daily parenting challenges in isolation, we are clearly not alone.
Transitioning from parenting school-aged children to teenagers can be fraught with struggle. Adolescents who may have followed guidelines fairly well as children may start to push back on limits and boundaries. Those with a history of more severe behavioral dysregulation may experience an intensification of strong feelings and reactions. Moreover, parenting a teenager with chronic pain or one who is neurodiverse, or both, can complicate the calculus even more. The balance between guiding and letting go requires the grace of a ballerina—and sometimes it can feel like a struggle to get up on two feet.
We know that our children need to learn how to solve problems to function in the world, yet how do we teach them these skills? I want to discuss two models of problem-solving that may be helpful for parents and teens: Problem-Solving Skills Training (PSST) and Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS).
PSST was developed by D’Zurilla & Nezu in the 1970s, and later adapted by Tonya Palermo, PhD, to work with parents of children with chronic pain. The basic steps include the following:
- Recognize that problems are a part of life and work on our own emotional reactivity before trying to fix things.
- Define the specific problem the child is dealing with (e.g., he skips his breakfast before school and then complains of worse stomach aches later in the day).
- Brainstorm a list of ideas without judgment.
- Evaluate the feasibility of the solution.
- Finally, try it out, then verify how well it worked.
Research on the model has shown it to be effective in decreasing parental and child depression, lowering pain catastrophizing, and improving outcomes for children’s general and pain-specific anxiety.
Another model, with similar steps, that has been shown to be effective in working with children with emotional regulation issues, is Ross Greene’s CPS. It is yet to be researched extensively in children with chronic pain. Still, I believe that its focus on relationship building and generating input from children may make it especially effective for working with teens. In the CPS model, there are three parental approaches to challenging behaviors:
- Plan A is parent-led and dictated (e.g., “No homework, no phone!”).
- Plan B is a collaborative process.
- Plan C issues are set aside for later. The parent drops the demand and makes a plan to revisit it later, avoiding power struggles.
CPS recommends using Plan B whenever possible, resorting to Plan A when unavoidable, and revisiting issues that have been categorized as Plan C.
After selecting the unsolved problem to work on, the Steps in Plan B are as follows:
- Show empathy (e.g., “I noticed it’s hard for you to come home and get started on homework. What’s going on for you?”) and give the child the opportunity to answer. Show curiosity and understanding. Ask clarifying questions if needed. If the child does not cooperate during the process, it may be best to take a break and resume it later. Once you have listened to the child’s or teen’s perspective, proceed to the next step.
- Define the adult concern (e.g., “Here’s my take on it. When you don’t get the homework done when you get home, then you can end up staying up really late to finish it before bed. Then the next day, you’re really tired.”) Children, especially teens and those with emotional regulation issues, may push back on this step. It’s essential to allow them to express their concerns adequately in Step 1 so that they feel heard. Even so, in Step 2, you will want to try to remain calm and continue to show empathy while sharing your perspective. This process is all a part of helping with problem-solving. It may also be necessary to pause the process and revisit it later when the child is more regulated.
- Work on generating potential solutions together. (For example, teens often need a break at first after coming home, and you can devise a plan that allows them what they need, while hopefully avoiding the late nights.) Develop a plan that addresses both of your concerns.
- Try out the solution(s) and revisit after a discrete amount of time.
Life moves fast, and it’s not always possible to follow a structured process with every issue that arises. However, if we keep in mind our ultimate goal of helping our teens become better problem solvers—and ultimately fostering strong relationships in the future—we can continue to emphasize the importance of working collaboratively to find solutions. As we take on the challenging task of parenting teenagers, acknowledging that we need to continue working on our relationship—and having some tools to work with—can help us feel more supported and guided.
