Cultivating Gratitude for Thanksgiving
“I can’t believe it’s November already! Wasn’t it just July?”
I feel like I’ve said some version of this phrase multiple times this year. Each time the seasons change and seem to sneak up on me, I’m surprised all over again. It really is true what they say: with kids, the days are long, but the years are short.
And for families navigating a child’s chronic pain, time can feel even more complex—the long days of symptoms, appointments, and unpredictability mixed with the sense that another year somehow slipped by. If that’s been your experience, you’re far from alone.
Perhaps it’s not a coincidence that Thanksgiving, the holiday where we are meant to pause and express gratitude, falls in November. With a sliver of the year left, can we pause to reflect and notice the good in our lives? Before the rush of the winter holidays and the goal-setting of the New Year, can we put aside a little time to focus on what is right before us?
As you may know, research points to the benefits of gratitude on mental health. It can counteract the negativity bias many of us carry—a leftover survival mechanism that keeps our attention on threats or difficulties. Focusing on gratitude can help decrease negative emotions, improve resilience, and even strengthen our immune systems.
And yet, when parenting a child with chronic pain, gratitude may not always feel easy or accessible. Noticing the good isn’t about pretending things aren’t hard—it’s about letting small moments of relief, connection, or calm have a place too.
What are some ways to cultivate gratitude in our lives? It can be as simple as pausing a few times a day to “notice the good.” As psychologist Rick Hanson says, our brains are like “Teflon for the good and Velcro for the bad.” To make the good moments stick, he recommends noticing a positive experience and taking a few extra seconds to savor it—feeling the pleasant emotions fully and letting them sink in—even if the moments are brief.
What are some ways to express gratitude to our families this Thanksgiving without it feeling forced or heavy-handed? It’s often easier for younger children to reflect on the things they appreciate. My children have done some version of tracing their hands into the shape of a turkey and writing what they’re thankful for many times, and it never seems to get old. Their appreciation feels sweet because it is so sincere.
For younger children who experience pain, these activities may need to be flexible—perhaps dictating instead of writing, decorating with stickers, or simply sharing something aloud. The goal is connection, not perfection.
But what about when children cross the threshold into the teen years? Then it may not be so easy for them to access gratitude, and it certainly doesn’t feel “cool” to focus on the good. Teenagers often benefit more from writing a letter or speaking directly to someone who has supported them. Since teens are sensitive to anything that feels forced, connecting their interests or experiences with the efforts of others—and thanking those people—can feel more authentic. If writing a note doesn’t seem realistic, a phone call, a text, or even sending a photo can be effective alternatives. For teens managing chronic pain, low-pressure options are especially important. A.J. Jacobs dedicated himself to cultivating gratitude for the efforts of others. In Thanks a Thousand: A Gratitude Journey, he traces the work that goes into bringing him a cup of coffee and thanks people at every step—from the farmers to the roasters to the baristas. As he says, “When you thank someone, it makes their day better—and yours too.”
What are some ways to bring this mindset into your Thanksgiving celebration? Younger children may enjoy creative projects or making cards to share with the people around them during the holiday. They might decorate place cards or tuck a small note inside for each family member. Older children and teens may want to help with menu planning or cooking. While shopping for groceries or preparing food, you can reflect together on the effort involved in bringing the food to the table. Teens may not be eager to hear the details, but connecting the meal to real people and real work often resonates more than we expect.
And, if we can cultivate gratitude for where we are at this time of year, acknowledging our struggles and appreciating the lessons, while seeking out those momentary positive experiences, perhaps we can remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can. Gratitude doesn’t demand perfection—only presence. And sometimes, noticing one good moment in a long day is more than enough.
