Sometimes Less is More

This post is written from the perspective of a young person who participated in CHYP.

Reassurance is a gift lovingly given, but it can be twisted into a dire curse. As a scared child fights illness, isolation, and pain, the close people in their life play an even more significant role than they already do. Watching your child struggle without knowing what to do, what to say, or how to help is one of the most challenging aspects of having a child who is suffering from chronic pain.

I know this because I see it in how my own parents acted at the height of my struggles with chronic pain and intense obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). However, in the moments of greatest stress, the most helpful action my parents could take was sometimes to do nothing.

Empathy can be shredded and put back together as pity in the mind of a suffering child. A parent's sadness can be perceived as a reason to feel guilty. Too much praise for accomplishments can lead to a feeling of failure when praise isn’t present. Many intrinsic instincts might not help the situation. This is where listening to the medical team is crucial: they understand how your child thinks, have an outside and professional opinion, and know what works.

When I was in intensive OCD exposure therapy, many aspects of the treatment involved talking to my family. As I look back on those sessions, I can see how much my parents wanted to comfort me, but in fact, that would’ve only made me spiral even more. Acknowledging that the answers can arise from not over-comforting, cutting back on praise, and sometimes simply saying nothing is essential.

Here, we get to what is the most helpful thing a parent can do for their child with chronic pain. Acknowledging the effort of overcoming the pain to accomplish something and not simply the accomplishment itself is crucial. Praise should be directed toward effort—if a goal isn’t reached, it is viewed as less of a failure, for hopefully, the child can heed that they tried and gave it their all. This avenue of praise may also encourage children not to put so much pressure on themselves in the first place, which will reduce stress, calm the brain, and eventually lead to less pain.

Every child’s situation is different, but patience and listening are universal strategies that will benefit everyone.